The Way You Are
by icomeundone
Summary: Josh has a problem. He's not sure how to tell Mindy. And he sure as hell doesn't know how to tell Drake. Josh/Mindy, one-sided Drake/Josh. Twoshot.
1. The Way You Are

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, blah, blah, blah...**

**A/N: This idea came to me after a few members on a community I'm a part of started discussing the issue. It wouldn't go away and I felt it mandatory to type this up. I did research so I hope it's accurate enough!**

There was something wrong with Josh. He wasn't sure how to accept it, that he wasn't normal, that he was different. By definition, _unusual_.

*

He loved Mindy. He cared about her. He _did_. Wholeheartedly. But he couldn't prevent the former strength of their relationship from deteriorating. She was getting frustrated with him, with the fact that he didn't act like he was attracted to her anymore, that he didn't like being intimate with her. Frustrated with his indecisiveness, with his inability to articulate why he was acting the way he was.

She wanted a conventional relationship. He knew that. He didn't blame her. It's what most people wanted. It just wasn't what _he_ desired.

*

She constantly asked him questions. _Are you okay? Is something wrong? Is it something I did?_ It didn't bother him at first, but her persistence just rubbed him the wrong way. His endeavours of distancing himself from her started off seldom, then they grew more frequent.

He always said, "It's nothing, Mindy. Nothing's wrong."

Except there _was_ something wrong. And it really had nothing at all to do with Mindy.

*

It began with Mindy's birth control pills. She made a point to tell him right after she started taking them, as if she expected some sort of typical ecstatic reaction from him. Insinuating that they had waited long enough to take their relationship to the next level.

He didn't care. They could wait a little longer.

She also enjoyed jumping at any opportunity they had to fuck. At his place. Or her parents'. Late night at the Premiere, when it was nearly vacant. Josh always came up with ridiculous excuses. _Not tonight. I've got a test tomorrow. I'm really tired. I made other plans. _He was certain she knew he was lying. She spoke trying to come off fine but her tone normally suggested otherwise.

He hoped that maybe if he tried avoiding it, she'd realize it wasn't something he was interested in. The fact that she was pressuring him into doing something he didn't want to do made him apprehensive.

There were so many times he contemplated telling her, but the entire prospect of it was humiliating. How could he tell her? How could he tell _anyone_? That the sight of her never once generated any hormonal adolescent sexual urge? He never felt the intention of sleeping with her. And it bothered him that the thought of sexual intimacy occurred to her numerous times on many different occasions, while it never crossed his mind.

Josh had absolutely no drive, not even enough to jerk off on his own time. That was too fucked up to come clean about.

Maybe he should just grow some balls and tell her. This was _Mindy Crenshaw._ She was like a mastermind who could comprehend the complexity of nearly every situation. But Josh's mortification overpowered his decision to admit he had a problem. If he admitted he had a problem he needed to accept it, and he wasn't quite ready to do that.

*

"Are you ever going to tell me Josh?"

Maybe. Maybe not. He wasn't sure. "I don't know."

Mindy was unresponsive. For a second Josh thought she hung up.

"I keep getting the impression that you don't want to be with me anymore and I'd appreciate it if you just said something instead of constantly shunning me."

"I don't know what I want," Josh replied.

"Figure it out," Mindy said and hung up.

*

He broke up with her two weeks later.

She wasn't crestfallen, as he kind of hoped. Fed up more so than anything else.

Well, whatever. It made him feel slightly less guilty for breaking up with her. The impact of stimulating sadness was a million times worse than causing wrath.

It was easier this way anyway. If he wasn't dating her he had no obligation to tell her anything.

*

Three days later. Josh was beginning to feel the remorse of hurting Mindy and his own immense confusion getting the best of him. His history paper was due the next day and he hadn't even bothered to open his book until now.

It wasn't like him to procrastinate.

It also wasn't like him to start off the paper by typing _I'm asexual. I'm too busy worrying about how people would perceive me after finding out about my abnormality. _

_Fuck the Spanish Civil War._

Josh looked up and watched Drake pressing his pick down on the cords of his guitar, his meticulous, relatively quiet strumming a distraction. The sound reverberated in Josh's brain, cancelling out his concentration.

Well, his attention wasn't actually that focused to begin with anyway. When you had a crisis it was kind of hard to focus on anything other than the predicament you felt compelled to resolve.

But this issue seemed unsolvable, so maybe Josh was just a hopeless cause. No, he was just a _freak_.

He didn't _want_ to be freak.

There were times he considered talking to Drake about it, but even though Drake was his brother and his best friend, he was also a colossal idiot. Asexuality probably wasn't something he'd comprehend.

But if Josh couldn't tell Drake, who _could_ he tell? This was not the kind of thing you kept to yourself. It was almost mandatory that he tell someone.

And he wanted it so badly to be Drake.

His name came out in a barely audible whisper. "Drake?"

Drake looked over at Josh. "Yeah?"

Okay, this idea sucked. Josh couldn't formulate a suitable opening sentence to the awkward conversation he was about to have with his stepbrother.

"Never mind," he mumbled.

Drake didn't make anything of it. He went back to playing his guitar.

Good.

*

Another day. Josh handed in his half-assed paper expecting to receive no grade better than a C+. God knows he deserved it. A lousy grade for his embarrassment of an essay.

*

A few more days passed. Josh started to think, Drake's idiocy aside, he could be understanding with effort. When he wanted to be.

And besides, he couldn't process any of the things splayed out in front of him – the conversations Eric or Craig or his parents would attempt to have with him, the informative lectures in his classes, the pranks Megan played on him, the cutting stare he got from Mindy whenever she was within eyesight. Nothing was sinking in. It was like he was in a constant trance. All he kept thinking about was when he was going to Drake. How to tell Drake. Envisioning Drake's dumbfounded reaction.

**Okay, so the next part isn't quite done yet. I thought it'd be too long as a oneshot, so I'm posting a seperate chapter. I'm not that into doing canon much, but hopefully this isn't OOC. Your reviews, comments, and feedback is always appreciated!**


	2. Too Much To Ask For

**Thanks to everyone who read and commented on the first chapter. I apologize for taking forever and a day to update, but I kind of got stuck. I don'[t really like the way I ended it, but maybe you guys will :) **

He was on the couch, in his room, thinking, when Drake came from a date with some girl named Katie Somethingorother. Josh couldn't remember. He always thought of all of Drake's girlfriends as unimportant, irrelevant characters with no last names. Like in the movies.

"How'd your date go?" he asked, even though he really didn't care.

Drake was answering. Josh wasn't listening. Something about taking Katie to the beach and then a bunch of other stuff happened. A string of various words fusing together and becoming meaningless.

He probably had _sex_ with her too. And Josh preferred not to hear Drake talk about her, or his stupid date. Or the other fifty girls he might possibly have fucked. Ever again.

Josh abruptly cut Drake off. "I broke up with Mindy," he blurted.

Drake paused a moment, though he didn't seem all that surprised, or angry that Josh changed the subject. "Again?"

"Yes. _Again_."

"What was it this time?"

"I...I just, I just feel like..." He paused, feeling the perspiration on his forehead. Great. This was _not_ going the way he expected.

"Did you finally realize you could do better than that..._creature_?"

Josh would have normally jumped to her defence, but he was kind of still pissed at her for being so pushy, so Drake could call her whatever he pleased.

"No, we were having a lot of relationship issues."

"What do you mean?" Drake asked.

"I...I...uh..." He needed to just come out and say it and get it over with. He felt like it was consuming him alive. "I'm asexual."

Drake stared at him blankly.

"Did you hear what I said?" Josh asked, irate. "I just told you I'm asexual!"

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I've never been sexually attracted to anyone. It means I have a virtually non-existent sex drive. _That's_ what it means!"

The time Drake spent digesting this piece of information felt like an agonizing eternity.

"So, you don't ever get..._horny_?" he finally asked.

Why did he have to ask that? "No."

"Ever?" Drake asked, disbelieving. "Do you even...you know..." Drake made a jerking-off motion with his hand.

"No."

"Wow."

Yeah, _wow_ was a good way to describe it.

"So, do you get a lot of wet dreams?"

"Drake!" Josh exclaimed, humiliated that it was brought up. He didn't care if it was true, he didn't want anyone talking about it.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry." Drake looked genuinely apologetic. He leaned back on the couch, looking contemplative.

Josh waited. He didn't know what to say. He just wanted to crawl under his bed and die.

"You don't even wonder what it feels like?" Drake asked.

"Not...no...I've just never been tempted to....I don't..." This was bad. This was really bad. He couldn't even bring himself to truthfully answer the question. It sounded so nonsensical.

"Is that humanely possible?" Drake's curiosity sounded genuine.

"Geez, Drake, you act like I have some sort of incurable disease."

"The way you're telling me makes it seem like it."

That was true. Josh had not taken the realization swimmingly.

"That's..." Drake grasped for the right word, "..._okay_."

"No, Drake, it's not okay. Nothing about this is _okay_. This is just really, really fucked up beyond comprehension."

"You can't help the way you are."

Well, that was true. If he had a choice, he'd rather be entirely heterosexual. A person with any other kind of sexual orientation was instantaneously labelled as queer, and was ridiculed, ostracized and tormented by a civilization consisting of some people who still paraded around in prideful ignorance.

"Have you told anyone else?" Drake asked.

"No," Josh replied. "You're the only person who knows."

He was grateful that Drake was being _so_ accepting about all of this. It made it relatively easier to know at least one person would be there for him, even if anyone else wasn't. After all, it was Drake's reaction Josh anticipated the most.

"How long have you known?"

"I don't know. A while, I guess."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Drake asked.

"Because I didn't think you'd understand." He recited this scenario numerous times when he was sure no one was within earshot. He pretended like he was having a conversation with Drake on the couch, wishing it would help him deal with confronting someone about it. Since doing it in his head helped none, he performed it physically. Saying it out loud, imagining Drake was seated beside him, listening, attentively. It alleviated a bit of his stress, but not enough to completely smother it.

"Why wouldn't I?" Drake asked, sounding relatively hurt.

"I was scared. I thought maybe you _would_ just support me and what I'm going through, but it could have just as easily gone the other way. I feel like a lot of the time it's me and you against the world. I don't know how I could handle facing it entirely alone."

"I would never let that happen," Drake said.

It had taken Josh way too long to realize he needed Drake just as much as Drake needed him.

*

It wasn't until about a week later that another confession was made. From Drake, which had taken Josh completely off guard. They were sitting on couch in the living room watching TV. Drake probably made sure they were alone to tell Josh.

"I figured, since we were...you know...telling each other stuff, then I should probably tell you something."

"Okay, what is it?"

Drake waited a few seconds before continuing. "I'm gay."

At first Josh wasn't certain if Drake was being serious or just yanking his chain because of the asexual thing – in which case, it _wasn't_ funny, and Josh was suddenly offended and hurt. He waited for the seriousness on Drake's face to crumble and break into amusement.

It didn't happen. Josh burst out into laughter instead. Drake's face fell. It was obviously not the reaction he hoped for. Josh immediately stopped and studied Drake's expression. It was unreadable.

"You're _serious_?" he asked.

"Yeah." He was acting surprisingly nonchalant about it.

It made Josh angry. "You're not funny," he spat. "What the fuck is the matter with you? Why are you making this all out to be a joke? I came to you in confidence...Okay, I _didn't_ come to you in confidence, but I thought you'd at least understand."

"I _do_."

"Then why aren't you taking any of this seriously?" Josh asked. He really wanted to break Drake's neck; he didn't even care about the repercussions. Drake could die for all he cared. What was he thinking telling Drake about his problems? He made a resolution never to confide in Drake for anything _ever_ again.

"I am taking it seriously," Drake said defensively. "I figured since you're abnormal, you would be okay with being me abnormal too."

His seriousness was unsettling. His lips didn't even crack into a smile. "This isn't a joke." Josh said it in a matter-of-fact tone, as if making a statement rather than asking a question.

"No, it's not. I'm being serious. I wanted to tell you before, but I wasn't sure how you'd take it. But then you told me about you hating sex."

"I never said I _hated_ sex. I've just never been tempted to do it."

"Same difference," Drake said.

Their parents were going to take this very well. A son who's gay and another who's asexual.

"How long have you known?" Josh asked, a sense of déjà vu washing over him.

"I don't know...maybe about a year."

"A year?" Josh exclaimed. "A year? You've known for a _year_?"

It irritated Josh that Drake waited this long to tell him. On one hand, Josh comprehended why he didn't, but on the other, he was mad at Drake for stealing his thunder so quickly. It couldn't be about Josh and his problem for at least a month, could it?

"What'd you....how'd you find out?" Josh asked.

"I started...sort of liking this guy..."

"Who?"

Drake let out a small breath that suggested he was about to tell Josh, but suddenly decided against it. He lowered his eyes, down to the floor. "Never mind. "

He couldn't do that. That wasn't fair. He couldn't build up the suspense like that and not tell Josh. "Tell me, Drake."

"No, forget it."

Josh frowned. He didn't like seeing Drake so indecisive. It was completely out of character. "Who is it, Drake? Is it Trevor? Or Craig? Is it – "

"No, it's not Trevor or Craig," Drake abruptly interjected. "And don't make any more guesses."

"Then just tell me."

Drake still wouldn't meet Josh's gaze. "No. I said forget it."

"Why?" Josh asked, beginning to grow really annoyed. "It's not _me_, is it?"

Drake laughed – this weird, awkward nervous laughter, a weak laughter filled with tension. "No it's not. Why...why would...would you think that? What would make you think that?" he asked, and finally looked up.

"I don't know." It was an impulsive guess.

"What if it _was_ you? What would you do?"

Josh didn't see this coming. _Why_ didn't he see it coming? He should have known. Mindy told him that when it came to guys being attracted to someone else, it was very easy to read because they were terrible at hiding it. And for a fucking _year_. Josh hadn't even suspected a thing. Why was he so stupid? "I wouldn't do anything, Drake. We're _brothers_," he said.

"We're not _consanguineous_ brothers."

What? Did Drake just use the word _consanguineous_? Did he just use it _correctly_? It kept Josh flabbergasted and speechless for a good ten seconds.

"Yeah, I know a few words too, Josh," Drake said, offended by Josh's obvious astonishment.

"So, this entire time that you've spent dating hundreds of girls, you've had..._feelings_ for me?" Josh asked. "Why?"

"Why? What do you mean why? What kind of question is that?"

Josh was wordless. He didn't like Drake, not like _that_.

"Why are you telling me this, Drake?"

"Because you had a right to know."

"No. No, I didn't. You shouldn't have told me."

"Relax, Josh. It's not a big deal."

Well, _obviously_, he'd be so blasé about all of this. Josh hated that. He hated the fact that Drake could be so laid-back about everything, like it was all trivial and unimportant.

"This is...I don't know what to do with this. This is so fucked up," Josh said. He got up from the couch. "I have to get out of here."

"Get out of here? Where are you gonna go?"

"I'm gonna go for a walk and think things through," Josh said, not even bothering to grab his jacket. He was heading straight for the door – to get out, out of the house and away from Drake. It was bad enough he had to deal with being asexual. He couldn't wrap his brain about his brother being gay and having feelings for him. It was some fucked up situation you'd see on Oprah – except it was worse, because it was happening to Josh.

"It's raining."

"The rain is relaxing. It helps me think!" Josh exclaimed.

Drake hoisted himself off the couch and began to approach Josh at the front door. "Don't you think you're kind of overreacting?"

"No, I'm _not_ overreacting," Josh spat, his hand firmly on the doorknob.

"This is stupid Josh. You're standing there all doe eyed and clueless, like you didn't do anything to make me like you. You were _asking_ for it. You acted like you wanted this to happen."

"What?" That accusatory comment was unnecessary. "How? How did I want it to happen?"

"You kissed me for getting you tickets to see Oprah for your birthday," Drake started. Josh opened his mouth to defend himself, but Drake quickly proceeded. "And what about that one time you got on top of me when I was asleep to get me to wake up? And when you wanted me to teach you how to kiss? And there were all those times you grabbed my ass."

"I did not grab your ass. I...I..." Josh struggled to find a way of rationalizing it. "I gently rested my hand on an area that just _happened_ to be your ass." His grasp on the doorknob tightened. He wanted to break it right off the door and vehemently throw it at Drake's face. "This is stupid. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"What about all that stuff you said a few days ago? About not being able to deal with the world alone?" Drake asked. His voice was pleading with Josh to stop freaking out over this.

The remark generated an immense sense of guilt. Josh dreaded the thought of Drake abandoning him, and yet here he was doing the exact same thing. He loosened his grip on the doorknob, letting go. "I just...can't deal with all of this right now."

"I was fine with you being asexual. Why can't you be fine with me being gay? It doesn't change who I am."

"You don't get it Drake. It's one thing to tell me you're gay, but to tell me that you've liked me for over a year? It's disconcerting living under the same roof, sharing a _room _with someone who's attracted to you, and knowing those feelings won't ever be reciprocated. It's not like me telling you I'm asexual. It's not like that changes the kind of relationship we have, as _brothers_." He deliberately put emphasis on the last word. It didn't matter if they weren't consanguineously related; they were still related. They were brothers.

"How do you know? How do you know for _sure_ you'll never feel the same way?" Drake asked.

That really exacerbated Josh's anger. "Stop it! Stop talking about it! I'm done talking about it!" He felt like his veins were going to burst out of skin, he was so unbelievably pissed. He tried to calm himself down by taking a few deep breaths. Drake stood, watching, a cross of hurt and frustration on his face. And so it remained, silent, awkward, excruciating.

"I'm sorry...I...I can't..." Josh was thinking of the right words to say, but couldn't. He turned the knob and walked out. Drake didn't chase after him. Drake didn't call out his name. For some reason Josh hoped he would.

*

It wasn't easy for Josh to be completely honest with Drake, but, being completely honest with himself, he wasn't certain about never feeling the same way about his stepbrother. It didn't occur to Josh until Drake brought it up, but now that he thought about it, as he strolled around outside aimlessly letting the rain soak his skin, was the notion of being with Drake really _that_ impractical? If you were supposed to be in a committed relationship with someone, your significant other, your spouse, or common law partner, shouldn't that person be your best friend? The one you'd want to tell your secrets to, the kinds of secrets you couldn't tell anyone else? The one you loved so much you'd do anything for? The one who makes you wonder where you'd be if they weren't in your life?

If so, Drake certainly _fit_ all those fields.

But they were siblings, and some siblings tended to be very close. It just meant they cared about each other. It didn't go beyond that. He needed to block out the possibility of Drake and him being together. It wasn't going to happen. Not ever.

Or, _maybe_, not ever.

**Author's Note: I know this story was updated with a second chapter, earlier, but I was having a few problems with it. It kept telling me that the url was outdated, even though I'd posted it up, twice in case I screwed up the first time.**

**As always, feedback is always appreciated!**


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